MLB Bans Red Sox From Signing Fat, Bad Players
Straight off the heels of their scandal of signing international amateur prospects against Major League Baseball rules, the Commissioner’s Office has set yet another ban to the Boston Red Sox disallowing the team from signing fat, crappy players for a full calendar year.
The Red Sox nearly violated the widely known rules against a team signing too many fat, crappy players when they signed third baseman Pablo Sandoval. “We realize what signing too many fat, crappy players can do to the competitive balance of the league,” said Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred. “If an organization has free rein to sign as many tubby lards as they want, then it gives all the other teams an unfair advantage to outrun, out endure, and just stay hydrated enough to finish a baseball game.”
Manfred added, “Luckily, Sandoval injured his shoulder so the other teams wouldn’t get too much of an edge.” Commissioner Manfred then impressively scarfed down an entire bowl of chili.
The penalty came as a surprise to the Red Sox organization. Some players praised the move, like current third baseman Travis Shaw.
“I’m just glad we have room on the bus to sit in our own seats because when some of our old fat, crappy players were on the team bus, there were only 25 seats on the bus, filling our 25-man-roster, and since our fattest, crappiest player took up two seats I had to stand,” Shaw said.
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